badvice #1

I have been wanting to do this for a long time. I wanted to build a whole site around it, but never found the time or inspiration. Now that I guess I’m doing this blog thing, I’ll just do it here when I can.

The basic premise is that it’s an advice column. Since no one comes to this site, I have to troll the internet looking for questions, rather than having them submitted. Not that anyone would ask me for advice after reading these, but that’s beside the point.

So let’s try this, here’s the inaugural question via reddit:

I need money badly for rent. I posted an ad on Craigslist and asked if anyone need a date or such in exchange for helping me out. In the ad, repeated 3 different times that I would not be having sex with anyone. A seemingly nice man responded and said he was in this exact situation. We have exchanged emails; I asked for proof of his “company party”, which he provided and checked out. I repeated to him that there would be absolutely no sex and he agreed every time. I have also informed him that we will be arriving in separate cars, I needed his phone number because I will have told a few friends where I was and who I was with, and that I would be leaving alone afterwards. He has agreed to all of this and appears to be very understanding about it all. Besides watching my drinks, which I am always diligent about at parties, is there any other precaution I should take?

So let’s get this straight. You’re a woman, posting an ad on Craigslist (which in my mind immediately means hookers and possible murder anyway). It says something like “I need money, you need a date. No sex no sex no sex.”

Let’s face it, you’re a prostitute. These are ways that prostitutes try to avoid prosecution. “It’s just a date, officer.”

So in that light, I say go all in. Push those chips right to the middle of the fucking table and play your hand. What are you making for this date? $50? That’s not gonna be enough to cover rent. You’ve gotta get serious.

You’ve got a business opportunity here. Upsell. I’ve heard it said that the most successful upsell in history is “would you like fries with that?” So take that and run with it. “Would you like a blowjob with that?”

“Uh, yes.”

“Okay that’ll be $100.”

Cha-ching. You just made a hundred extra bucks for five minutes work. Deduct the cost of one of those little travel bottles of Listerine and you’re still in the money. And let’s face it, a guy who is willing to pay for a date to his company party isn’t going to last five minutes. I’m gonna call it a minute.

Now think of how much money you could make if you lined up ten of these “dates” in one night. The profit margins are unbelievable. Your only costs will be transportation and AIDS tests. And isn’t it everyone’s dream to be lucratively self-employed?

You can carve out your niche in the world of prostitution by having an official “no condom required” policy. I think this will give you a major boost from a marketing standpoint. Also, let’s not forget that in most countries, this is illegal, so stay safe. Be sure to ask potential customers if they’re a cop. They’re not allowed to say they’re not if they are. It’s like, in the Constitution.

Something to think about.

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