spam comments

Every day I look through my spam comments. It’s not to make sure nothing got culled by accident, because I don’t really care.

It’s simply to remind me of what I never want to be: a leech on the internet, a waste of bandwidth, a groveling loser trying to attract clicks to my shitty, hastily thrown together website about diets or hawking dog snuggies (no shit, that’s in there today).

You people are the scum of the internet.

Here’s a pro-tip if you actually want to comment here. Don’t link to anything. Nothing. Not even a plaintext URL. I will delete it. If you want to plug your shit, shoot me an email, I’ll look at it, and if I like or whatever you’re hawking, I’ll plug it. Thanks. Otherwise, go away.

I do, however, enjoy the actual comments they use, the lure hiding the hook, designed to flatter and stun the weak-minded seeking desperately for approval and attention from the internet. Here a few from today:

I couldnt have said it any better to be honest! keep up the awesome work. You are very talented & I only wish I could write as good as you do :) …

This on a post where I said nothing, merely posted a video and threw in a part of the lyrics I liked. But oh gosh, how my heart overflowed when I read that comment. I am a genius! The internet has spoken! They looove me!

Have another:

this is a good style for me. thanks for the hard work.

I did a tiny bit of writing on that post, but it was far from hard work. Three paragraphs, following a quote from the link.

My point is that they appeal to your vanity, and most bloggers, let’s be honest, they have quite a bit of vanity. Ego up to here, and then some. Some might let a comment slide because it looks good, is complimentary, whatever. Maybe they just want those pretty numbers by their post titles, looks good.

Tell you what. Hit more, and I’ll explain what we can do about this.

I’ll explain, for the uninitiated, what they’re doing. It’s called SEO, or Search Engine Optimization. It’s a valid practice for websites who want to be successful. Since search engines (fuck it, it’s just google) drive a lot of traffic their way, it’s important to be ranked highly, so they’re not buried a dozen pages in.

Google works very hard to keep their results good, but these assholes with their spammy garbage websites game the system and work their way up. A higher page rank means they’re worth more money.

Take, for example, the link portal mentioned in the second quote above. It’s literally just a page, you’ve hit them before, that has a bunch of links to other sites. I didn’t click any, but they’re probably other link portals. This one was in Spanish, and I didn’t take the time to discern the topic but let’s just say it was music. So it would have about twenty links in a table, with various keywords. “Spanish Music”, “Spanish Guitar”, “Music in Spanish”. You get the idea.

In the old days, and perhaps to an extent today, search engines would pick out those keywords and since the website had the right amount of them, it would show up highly in searches for those keywords. This is the reason that you used to see (and still do, on garbage websites) in tiny print at the bottom of the screen, a massive paragraph of keywords.

It doesn’t work anymore, but sites still do it, working from outdated information.

Then they use bots to scour the web for blogs, or any place they can leave comments, and they toss a handful of comments at it, complete with their links and things like that.

Another way page rank works is by counting links back to your site. So say my blog links to some other blog, that other blog will increase in value a bit because people are linking to it. So in the comments section, essentially, these spammers are artificially increasing their value by adding a link to their own site.

I don’t know if this is clear, and don’t really care. Let me get to the meat.

I really want to start spamming the spammers. I’ll leave comments on their posts with links to whatever I think they want to be affiliated with the least. Racist sites, vile pornography (I’m talking Japanese level stuff), pedophilia apologists… things like that. I don’t know what it’ll really do, but I want to do it anyway. Let them spend most of their day cleaning their website.

Thankfully, I have a really good spam filter, and it’s caught absolutely everything, so I ain’t even mad. I’m just irritated by the squandering of the resource that is the internet, by these marketing 101 reject douchebags.

2 thoughts on “spam comments”

  1. Męska wersja oczekiwana z nicroecpliwiśeią :-)Szczególnie jeśli rzeczywiście jest aż tak uniwersalna, że nadaje się na słońce, deszcz, lato i zimę.Chętnie zostanę testerem prototypu ;-) Albo przynajmniej recenzentem projektu :-)Pierwsze pytanie, które mi się narzuca: z jakiego materiału był ten kapelusz?

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